• zombie bubble kitty@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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    3 days ago

    fuck - this hits hard

    I’ve been realizing this recently, I’m not who I want to be and I’m not doing what I want to be doing. I’ve been so set on suicide for so long but I think I’m finally starting to accept that there’s a life out there that I’m actually willing to live.

    thank you for posting, i needed this :]

    • AnarchistArtificer@slrpnk.net
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      2 days ago

      When I was a teenager, I promised myself that if nothing improved by the time I was 20, I would allow myself the escape of suicide — fuck anyone who would begrudge me that. The bar wasn’t “things have to be fully better”; there just needed to be a non-zero improvement to prove that improvement was possible.

      Ironically, this pledge probably saved my life, because it meant that I could tell myself “not yet” when I was in a crisis and at risk of harming myself. Fortunately, by the time I had reached 20, I had experienced some fairly significant improvements, and whilst my mental health was still rocky, there were parts of me that genuinely wanted to live.

      My post-20 life has been messy, because I literally never expected to get this far. It sort of feels like a bonus level in a video game. It’s pretty surreal.

      Enough about me though, I want to hear a bit about you, if you’re willing to share. What’s something that gives you zest for life? Something that fuels the hope that I’m feeling from your comment?

      • zombie bubble kitty@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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        2 days ago

        i definitely get that bonus level feeling, ive been suicidal since 13 or 14, and never thought i would make it to 15, 16, 17, so on. so now im here, with no idea what to do with my life! lol

        my dad had “war-hardened anger” issues and gave me physical (and mental ig) scars and my mom liked screaming inches from my face and making me homeless a bunch of times and stuff, so I’ve kinda been in survival mode my whole life.

        I’ve known I was trans since I was 15, but never got to transition. i was out as nonbinary to a small friend group in high school, but that was sorta a compromise if that makes sense? I’ve wanted HRT with 100% certainty for 5 years now, but for more of that than I’d like to admit I chose an end to my suffering as a better alternative to the possibility of less suffering. so my zest is to one day maybe be who I actually want to be. if I was hopeful enough to set goals I’d say hopefully I can officially start HRT before my 21st birthday, but who knows.

        honestly, living is the scariest part. I came to terms with death, with an end to my pain, a way out. and a lot of the time, most of the time probably, im scared of trying. because what if it just continues to get worse? most of my time spent every day is battling living vs dying in my mind, and it sucks. it sucks to be terrified of the thought of having a future after being at peace with dying for so long. but…idk, here I am I guess.

        sorry I really didn’t mean for this to be so long TwT

    • Nurse_Robot@lemmy.world
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      3 days ago

      Proud of you for not giving up. The world can feel dark, and wet, and heavy, but you’ve made it this far, and it’s a better world with you in it.

    • helpImTrappedOnline@lemmy.world
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      2 days ago

      Sure it is, it gets all the horny folks to stop and read it. They come for horny and leave with Facebook advice someone posted with a minion last week.

      Edit, funny enough the quote fits the Minion’s story quite well.

  • baatliwala@lemmy.world
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    2 days ago

    This is a Facebook tier post but I’m in the process of changing jobs with a decent pay raise so it resonates with me.

  • 2ugly2live@lemmy.world
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    2 days ago

    The problem is I lost the person I wanted to be while becoming who I had to be. That person is lost to me now. 🤷🏿‍♀️

    • AnarchistArtificer@slrpnk.net
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      2 days ago

      I feel you. Having to grieve the person you could’ve been is one the tragedies of having been forced to survive rather than live. The most difficult part of healing is somehow forging a new life in which you can thrive.

      That’s something that I’ve been struggling with lately. If I structure my life around who I am right now, then the result is a routine of misery where I don’t chase anything of joy. However, if I try to build a life for the person I would like to be, I find I don’t fit inside that world, and I crumble — demoralised by overambitious burnout. The tension between the world as it is and the world as it ought to be is a tightrope that I need to somehow balance on if I want to make progress.

      Solidarity, friend. You deserve better than what you have had.

    • Tartas1995@discuss.tchncs.de
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      2 days ago

      There is always survival times. Sure, some are worse than others, but there are always survival times.

      This is more about the personal journey. E.g. in a system that oppresses you, hiding might be easier and less taxing than fighting it, so if you learned to hide to survive, but your goal might be to become someone who has the strength to fight that system to change it. Someone that you like as you “finally” work towards getting to a place where you can thrive.

  • Spacehooks@reddthat.com
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    2 days ago

    Damn that represents my grandma. Did everything she could to survive a new country and learn language but never had the ability to learn to live past today’s needs. Flipping sad mate.