When I was a teenager, I promised myself that if nothing improved by the time I was 20, I would allow myself the escape of suicide — fuck anyone who would begrudge me that. The bar wasn’t “things have to be fully better”; there just needed to be a non-zero improvement to prove that improvement was possible.
Ironically, this pledge probably saved my life, because it meant that I could tell myself “not yet” when I was in a crisis and at risk of harming myself. Fortunately, by the time I had reached 20, I had experienced some fairly significant improvements, and whilst my mental health was still rocky, there were parts of me that genuinely wanted to live.
My post-20 life has been messy, because I literally never expected to get this far. It sort of feels like a bonus level in a video game. It’s pretty surreal.
Enough about me though, I want to hear a bit about you, if you’re willing to share. What’s something that gives you zest for life? Something that fuels the hope that I’m feeling from your comment?
i definitely get that bonus level feeling, ive been suicidal since 13 or 14, and never thought i would make it to 15, 16, 17, so on. so now im here, with no idea what to do with my life! lol
my dad had “war-hardened anger” issues and gave me physical (and mental ig) scars and my mom liked screaming inches from my face and making me homeless a bunch of times and stuff, so I’ve kinda been in survival mode my whole life.
I’ve known I was trans since I was 15, but never got to transition. i was out as nonbinary to a small friend group in high school, but that was sorta a compromise if that makes sense? I’ve wanted HRT with 100% certainty for 5 years now, but for more of that than I’d like to admit I chose an end to my suffering as a better alternative to the possibility of less suffering. so my zest is to one day maybe be who I actually want to be. if I was hopeful enough to set goals I’d say hopefully I can officially start HRT before my 21st birthday, but who knows.
honestly, living is the scariest part. I came to terms with death, with an end to my pain, a way out. and a lot of the time, most of the time probably, im scared of trying. because what if it just continues to get worse? most of my time spent every day is battling living vs dying in my mind, and it sucks. it sucks to be terrified of the thought of having a future after being at peace with dying for so long. but…idk, here I am I guess.
sorry I really didn’t mean for this to be so long TwT
When I was a teenager, I promised myself that if nothing improved by the time I was 20, I would allow myself the escape of suicide — fuck anyone who would begrudge me that. The bar wasn’t “things have to be fully better”; there just needed to be a non-zero improvement to prove that improvement was possible.
Ironically, this pledge probably saved my life, because it meant that I could tell myself “not yet” when I was in a crisis and at risk of harming myself. Fortunately, by the time I had reached 20, I had experienced some fairly significant improvements, and whilst my mental health was still rocky, there were parts of me that genuinely wanted to live.
My post-20 life has been messy, because I literally never expected to get this far. It sort of feels like a bonus level in a video game. It’s pretty surreal.
Enough about me though, I want to hear a bit about you, if you’re willing to share. What’s something that gives you zest for life? Something that fuels the hope that I’m feeling from your comment?
i definitely get that bonus level feeling, ive been suicidal since 13 or 14, and never thought i would make it to 15, 16, 17, so on. so now im here, with no idea what to do with my life! lol
my dad had “war-hardened anger” issues and gave me physical (and mental ig) scars and my mom liked screaming inches from my face and making me homeless a bunch of times and stuff, so I’ve kinda been in survival mode my whole life.
I’ve known I was trans since I was 15, but never got to transition. i was out as nonbinary to a small friend group in high school, but that was sorta a compromise if that makes sense? I’ve wanted HRT with 100% certainty for 5 years now, but for more of that than I’d like to admit I chose an end to my suffering as a better alternative to the possibility of less suffering. so my zest is to one day maybe be who I actually want to be. if I was hopeful enough to set goals I’d say hopefully I can officially start HRT before my 21st birthday, but who knows.
honestly, living is the scariest part. I came to terms with death, with an end to my pain, a way out. and a lot of the time, most of the time probably, im scared of trying. because what if it just continues to get worse? most of my time spent every day is battling living vs dying in my mind, and it sucks. it sucks to be terrified of the thought of having a future after being at peace with dying for so long. but…idk, here I am I guess.
sorry I really didn’t mean for this to be so long TwT