Didnt wanr to hurt my grandma. The only person that cares about me. Now i life to spite my blood family

Shortly after entering adulthood, I lost a close friend. He was still in college at the time, a talented, friendly, bright light snuffed far too early. He was well loved and his funeral was so packed that it was standing room only. One attendee described it as “the most depressing class reunion ever.”

His loss has never left me.

Right before I got the phone call telling me the news, I had been feeling extremely down about myself. I was crossing my work parking lot (which I had to do regularly as part of my job) without looking up for moving cars, thinking that if I got hit, it wouldn’t have mattered.

But that same day, my phone rang. It was a mutual friend, and through obvious tears and a quavering voice, she told me, “John is dead!”

With that, everything changed.

I’ll never forget how much it hurt to lose somebody so important to me. The idea of purposely putting my friends through that has kept me going more times than I can count. I have to remind myself, even in my darkest, most self-hating moments, that I’m more important to others than I realize. I can’t imagine John would have known just how much of an impact he had made on others, but I saw the proof. I felt the pain. I love my friends and family too much to entertain the thought of making them attend my funeral. And so I push on, but with one change:

I now make a point to explicitly tell my friends how much they matter to me.

Am alive cause I desire revenge

It’s my mom. Rest don’t care enough about me, won’t miss me.

I enjoy life. But I am very aware that if I die, it all just stops.

If not for the pain I’d cause my loved ones, I wouldn’t mind dropping dead tomorrow. As long as it’s instant and painless. Like turning off a pc. When it’s off, it’s over. Easypeasy. No more stress, hunger, love, joy, nothing. Doesn’t sound horrible to me.

Suicide though? No way. There’s too much good to actively keep living for.

I’m only alive because of my friend. She means everything to me and is the only one that fully believes me.

edit: forgot to mention, but yeah, she would be devastated if I killed myself, which is why I don’t.

I used to feel more suicidal. Nowadays I think if I was feeling like I truly wanted to do that, I would want to take an oligarch with me

*raises hand

I don’t think about suicide, but when my wife asks "aren’t you sad you will die one day? . I’m like “no, sad for the kids, but I will be dead, I won’t know and I won’t have to work in the morning–So that Seems fine.”

I hate things like North America is supporting Israel and so many kids are dying because Premiers and Presidents aren’t stepping in. It makes me weary, but I try to do small things to make other peoples lives better.

Sometimes that has been making homemade bread and soup to hand out to homeless peopl. Sometimes its seeing a craigslist ad of somebody getting rid of something they think is broken, and I’ll respond with instructions on how it can be saved. The happy replies when you just saved somebody a $350+ repair bill (or cost of rebuying something) are worth it.

Just like eating only junk food is bad for your body, so is current news bad for the mind. I suggest you seek out actually positive news channels on YouTube or smth. We live in a very shitty world but there is still so much good in it. There is free open source software out there, there is volunteer work, there are people who give time, money, energy to worthy causes, with nothing to gain. And that’s worth fighting for (Mr Frodo)!

Been there. Reason I didnt is because other people would bear the shit if I did. Im in a much better place at the moment but I felt exactly the way ypu do about the world.

There is a fuckload of propaganda, and a lot of it is meant to make you lose hope at ever seeing the system change. That makes the opinion that things can and might improve and you are going to be a part of it, no matter how small the most radical thing of all.

Genuinely what helped me through it was volunteering. Everything is shit wall to wall BUT this one tiny thing is better than it was because of me. Its a sustaining feeling for sure.

Keep hanging in there for the ones you love, and the ones that love you.

I would be lying if I said my cats haven’t been the primary reason I haven’t seriously considered suicide. Maybe taking care of some living thing (even a plant) can give you a reason for life. This question hits close to home for me, and feel free to DM if you want to talk.

The overwhelming majority of social ills and mental health issues are directly caused by alienation and exploitation under capitalism. I feel you friend, I am trying to find a new job and I have one month of rent and bills I can pay and then I am gonna be homeless and idk what I am gonna do. My choices are burden my family in ways they are already strained or just going and living on the street and probably never coming back from that. I’m 40 and becoming homeless at this stage of my life might well kill me.

Understandable and feels for all of that. Only reason I’m still alive is not because I fear death but I’m afraid of surviving it and living a even worse life by force. The Amerikkkan medical system is extremely hard on people who attempt it and don’t really care if you lost a arm or something, they will still treat you just as shit and probably worse. So yeah, it’s not about being afraid I might hurt others because I’m gone. I’m afraid I might hurt others because I survived it and they have to take more care of me because of it.

Whatever the reason is, I’m glad you’re still here.