“In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It’s a lot like a bear, but it’s a frog. I think that’s a better system. I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought ‘Man, I’d better play dead. Here comes that frog.’ I would never say “Here comes that frog” in a horrifying manner. It’s always, like, optimistic. Like, ‘Hey, here comes that frog, all right. Maybe he will settle near me and I can pet him, and put him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he’s used to.’”

• Mitch Hedberg

"At 7am watching the cars on the bridge

Everybody’s going to work. Well.

Not me. I’m not

Going to work."

-James Moore

Nature’s equivalent of locking the car door when a group of dubious youths walk by.