God help you if you’re hungry for pizza in Altoona

From this article all I can see is the Internet giving this man a well deserved warm embrace.

I knew he’d get caught eventually. In fact, I’m surprised and impressed he lasted this long. But I’m really hopeful his jury acquits him.

Right?!? Bro should have ditched all his shit in central park and swapped his color palette from black/gray to brown right down to his shoes

Please don’t tell Jon Stewart

It’s down now. :(

I shot the sheriff.

It was me. I shot Brian Thompson, CEO of United Healthcare.

I’m not even terminally ill.

It was me. I shot Brian Thompson, CEO of United Healthcare.

When I teach masterbation, I’m always just like “have fun with it”