Turkey? Dude, his name’s Laserbeak.

You and your lizard are awesome. He looks like a little alien—I’m glad E.T. found home.

During COVID, I went a bit mad and got really into collecting Transformers action figures. I’m still not entirely sure why. One day I just bought one on a whim, and before I knew it my closet was full of unopened, mint condition toy robots.

Anyway, Christmas rolls around and I see a flyer for a local toy drive. A sudden compulsion hit me, so I loaded up my entire stash and donated the lot. Just like that, the spell was broken. Not even Soundwave was spared.

To this day, nobody in my life knows that I spent thousands of dollars on plastic crack, only to foist my addiction on some poor, unsuspecting kids. I like to imagine the War for Cybertron rages on in their hearts.

Because the youth group was serving it with free donuts—it’s pretty much the reason I went. To be fair, they were really nice; it was just a bizarre experience. I didn’t realize you could just inherit a church and declare yourself a pastor without any formal training.

After looking up how much money my local megachurch took in last year ($60 mil) versus how much they spent on charity ($3 mil), I think you were probably justified.

When I was a freshman in college, I let this youth group convince me to visit their weird church. The “pastor” was a young guy who spent the entire sermon talking about how he squandered his time in college before eventually dropping out. Fortunately, the old pastor took pity on him and gave him a job as an assistant—running errands, cleaning, etc. Then one day the old pastor died, so our hero basically just took over since no one else wanted to.

When it was done he tried to sell us bags of stale coffee.

Tbh, going outside to reconnect with nature sounds like a great idea for both kids and adults. Instead of investing in office nap pods and pizza parties, companies should start building jungle gyms and bring back recess.